up.

so comparing people is the current facebook fad.

the applications “compare people,” “you are beautiful,” “top friends” and “hot list” (to name a few) facilitate people comparisons.

you compare your friends to each other on the basis of their looks, personality, smarts, artistic ability etc., and in turn, await their appraisal of you. “compare people” allows for direct comparison of two individuals. you must designate priya as hotter than sophie. the results of these dyadic comparisons are used to rank everyone within a friend group. whomever is called hotter than most often floats to the top of the hotness (or cuteness or smartness) ranks. other applications do not require that you compare your friends to each other, but that you vote, basically, for worthy friends. if you think greg is hot, you click on him. no need to call him hotter than blake. however the comparison still takes place, albeit indirectly. if greg gets more votes than blake, he must be hotter than blake.

and of course, the hope is, that someone out there will call you hot. or at least you’ll find out where you really stand. or that’s what “compare people” promises:

Find out who stands where in various categories: cutest, sexiest, smartest and many more. Most importantly, find out where you fit in!

or as “you are beautiful’ puts it:

Start sending beautifulness points now, and see where you rank among your most Beautiful friends!

this system presupposes that we cannot objectively judge ourselves, only others can. makes sense. if i think “gee. francesca sure is a fatty, but i’d never tell her that.” does it not seem plausible that others could be thinking “gee. erin sure is a fatty, but i’d never tell her that.”? and of course if i want to behave appropriately in the world, i need to know “where i fit in.” that’s why “compare people” says “most importantly.” i need to know what to flaunt and what to play down. i need to know what i may “realistically” pursue. i don’t want to kid myself into thinking i’ll be remembered as the next picasso when i’m just another thomas kinkade. i don’t want to be one of those poor bastards on american idol who thinks he has a shot, only to be plastered all over youtube as exemplary of the sucky, gong show-type audition. i don’t want to ask out that hot, brilliant TA unless i feel confident that i have something comparable to offer. conversely, i don’t want to hang my head, waste my life, if i have real reason to be proud…if i have license to go for it…whatever “it” may be.

we live in what purports to be a meritocracy. this is the neoliberal context. the individual is the molecule of neoliberalism. we celebrate the individual, because he (yes he) can do anything. he can “find his niche.” he can make the world a better place. he can get famous. he can excel. he can make his unique contribution. in fact his happiness relies on making his way in the world. if he is unhappy, it can’t be the world’s fault. he must be unhappy because he didn’t work hard enough, try hard enough, make enough money, find the right job, the right partner, the right community, the right house, the right modes of developing and expressing his talents. i mean he could be happy, right? we see it in the movies. if he’s not happy, it’s because it doesn’t have something he could get if he tried. and if he can’t get what he wishes he had, it’s because he doesn’t know his proper place. his expectations are unrealistic.

but neoliberalism does not emphasize this, the unrealistic. it’s always onward and upward! if our hero(the individual)’s expectations are unrealistic, he simply has to change tactics. he hasn’t yet found his “calling”–his particular genius. and if he’s 99, looking back on his life, and he thinks, “damn. when do i start living?” well, he just ran out of time. maybe 20 more years and he would have made it.

we’re obsessed with hierarchy. with upward potentiality. since fulfillment is “up there” somewhere waiting for us. or that’s what “america’s got talent,” donald trump, thevaginainstitute.com, Harvard and cosmo want us to believe.

but there is no singular “you,” out there in the world that can be judged, measured, scrutinized by an all-knowing, all-seeing Other.

if i approach my art believing that only “you” can tell me whether or not it is “good,” if i subject my art to your approval, but not to my own, what kind of art can i possibly make? if i respect no one’s art (past or present) and take in no one’s criticisms, what kind of art can i possibly make? if i speak words i wouldn’t fight for, how could they be worth speaking?

what makes my understanding of myself somehow less valid than your understanding of me? why should i even care what your opinion (of anything) is? do i respect your opinion? does it move me? does it make sense to me? at bottom, the only way to answer the question “how do i want to be in the world?” is to answer the question “what do i value?” this can take time and a great deal of thinking and feeling. and answers need not be in words or even fully formed thoughts. but there must be (an) answer(s).

with (an) answer(s), i am uniquely positioned to understand myself better than anyone else could. when i declare “this is what i value,” i can turn my attention and thoughtfulness to my relationship with what i value. i can observe myself. i can ask “does this action/art/idea (successfully) do what i want?” and if i value what i have declared i value (again, not necessarily in words and not necessarily singular), then i will be able to take in information, and process it, without fear…because i am not on trial. what is on trial is whether i have acted according to or furthered what i value. if i have not, that is information i can use. if i have, that is information i can use. if i respect a person’s opinion (not equivalent to whether or not i respect her), she can provide me with information i can use to clarify my values and better make real those values. if i do not respect her opinion, to HELL with her opinion! i will not let an opinion i do not respect weigh on my conscience or on my ego. what do i mean by “respect?” i respect someone’s opinion of my thinking about goodness if she has demonstrated thoughtfulness, introspection, care, kindness, integrity and appreciation for the subtly with which i approach meaning.

if you answer the question “who am i?” before you answer the question “what do i value?,” you will get an answer you won’t like.

being rests on valuing.

one can only “be” good when one values Good.
one can only make Beauty when one values Beauty.

one can only take over the organized crime scene in boston when one values power.

are you coming to see what i mean by “value?” to value something is to love it, to make it more important than “who you are.”

of course, “who am i?” and “what do i value?” are not separable questions.

when we send “compare people” invites to 20 of our friends, or when we make grossly reductionist claims (even to ourselves) about how are friends “compare” to each other, we use those friends as what kant would call merely means to an end–the end being the unveiling of our objective selves to us, the judgment ineligible. unless you would have me believe that in sending invites to 20 of your friends, you have their interests at the front of your mind. or that you spend as long as it takes to determine which of those two of your friends has a “better personality” or is a “more valuable friend,” and you’re sure that there’s something unselfish to be gained by making such a claim.

if perhaps something more harmful than clicking on pictures and sending invites were asked of us in exchange for this unveiling, many of us would still find it a worthwhile bargain.

in fact, that is one reason why we often hurt each other. because we want to feel okay. we want license to feel acceptable, whole, happy. and we sometimes do things (to ourselves and others) that don’t feel very good/right/fair in order to be reassured of our okayness.

and that saddens me.

that is why our way of thinking about ourselves must change.

that is why we must say “i value,” such that we can be.

and when we are, we can say “sarah, you have a wonderful personality.” or “miguel, you are a good friend.” and those words will finally have meaning.